There are moments in my life I absolutely don’t know what is happening to me. I have ideas, for sure, but bottom line is I have no clue. The me with the ideas simply doesn’t know. It can only refer to the past and try to fit experiences into that frame of reference. But on the path of waking up we leave the familiar frame of reference behind to enter new grounds. That may be exciting but the experience of it is shocking and destabilizing.
Recently I went through such an experience. It began with strong physical reactions. I thought my blood pressure was running off the chart. I heard my heart thumping in my ear as if a truck with rocks was unloading right next to me. My whole body felt electrified. I was crying a lot for no reason. All in all I had no idea what was going on. It reached a point where every bit of input would make me shrink and shrivel up. I felt very unsafe in myself and with others. All I wanted was to be left alone.
I am on a spiritual path. I have tools to cope with disturbance: breathing with awareness; opening up to help and inspiration from Holy Spirit and Masters. I can say I did all that, but the more I practiced the emptier I felt. All that I had come to trust from the unseen world seemed beyond reach. Only emptiness. I was very desperate and very disappointed.
Looking back I can see this was a very crucial moment. Exactly the moment where it is about moving backward or forward; closing down and finding something familiar from the past or opening up to more Light and Love, reaching out for the help to move beyond this point.
This was the moment where I called on my Masters. “Help, I am out of control; I don’t know what is happening to me; it feels like I am losing it completely.” Their response was the reassurance that comes from knowing, fully knowing where I was at and what I needed to move through it. They reassured me that the disturbance was a release of subconscious old stuff; that the emptiness was not a sign of the absence of the Divine, but the realization that in this world nothing is going on. All of it being part of waking up.
It was such a blessing to be reminded of the fact that I never left God, never did anything wrong, don’t need do anything to be worthy of God and that He is always there, waiting for me. “Just allow yourself to move through it; realize Who You are and in that realization all that comes up will be forgiven, even if you don’t know what is coming up.” I cannot possibly describe the relief, the comfort and the safety I derived from faith in my masters, from knowing they are my life line, my anchor in Truth. They look at everything from an awakened perspective that allows me to let go of what I think I know and join them in the Light of Truth.
Originally it felt as if I had returned from this experience empty-handed. I had been deep, but on the surface nothing seemed to have changed. By now I know better. I realize something in me is fundamentally different. A subtle but undeniable shift has taken place. The doing has moved to the background, the being is opening up.
I am very blessed and deeply grateful.
Faith and trust! The big lesson of my life. Every day. Do I see beyond my perception? Do I see beyond my brother’s body the Unchangeable, the Eternal, the Loving? Do I believe he is holy? Am I true to Love or do I put my faith in the darkness?
Before I begin the day in which all meetings with brothers will take place, I will have to make a decision to clearly establish my focus in this. Jesus’ words echo in my mind, “See your brother’s Sinlessness and you will recognize your own, and the fear for God will dissolve.”
But the ego is not idle either. It keeps whispering (or shouting) suggestions that something is wrong with me or the other and that a judgment is justified. However, I have experienced how immediate forgiveness can be.
When it finally dawned on me that my brother is super important in my awakening, I did my utmost to look beyond his mistakes. I failed. I made the classical error to want to do it ‘alone’. The ego told me it is ok that I wanted to wake up, and would love to lend a helping hand. Doomed to failure!
Then I had a miracle that changed everything!
I was in the company of two people who were very dear to me but had left the spiritual path I was practicing. In the kitchen I prepared a meal for them. One friend was left of me talking to the other who was right of me. I was in between. They talked rather negatively and derisively about the path I was on and seamed to have forgotten about me completely. I felt emotional pain coming up and also anger. But I said nothing and was quiet for a moment at the sink. I cannot remember asking the Holy Spirit for help, but there it was! With a loving power the thought was dropped in my mind: I trust my brothers who are one with me.* The frequency of this thought was so powerful in my mind that the pain dissolved immediately and a huge joy welled up in my heart. I recognized the Truth about me and my brothers! The whole situation changed instantly! I no longer felt a victim! Holiness had taken possession of me! One of the two looked at me and said, “What is the matter with you? You’re beaming!” “Yes, I feel very happy!”
I cannot look beyond the form. But I can want it! And the Holy Spirit cannot wait to take the helm…! Great, isn’t it?
If I feel tempted to judge anyhow, often Jesus’ words come up that indicate that I can ask my brother the following, “Give me your blessing, holy Son of God. I would behold you with the eyes of Christ, and see my perfect sinlessness in you.”
The Holy Spirit will make the best of his chances. That is where I have put my faith!
Thank You, Father, thank you Jesus! My heart is so full of gratitude for this path of forgiveness given us.
*ACIM lesson 181